


There is a child

by thejollysailor



Series: Burglaress - fem!Bilbo prompts and stories [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, F/M, Guilt, Mentions of miscarriage, Pregnancy, fem!Bilbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-01
Updated: 2013-12-01
Packaged: 2018-01-03 02:28:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1064659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejollysailor/pseuds/thejollysailor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative ending to 'There was a child'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is a child

Fíli’s dreams are still plagued with death, and screams and desperate pleading and blood, so much blood. Sometimes it is Thorin that dies, other times it is his brother that lies on the ground, bleeding and pleading desperately for his life, for a chance to live. But mostly it is Billa, lying on her back, in a bed of blood, screaming for him, for someone to help her. Screaming for her child. Her screams are high pitched, and when Fíli wakes up, bathed in sweat and breathing heavily, he can sometimes her them well after he has woken, even though Billa lies safely beside him.

Fíli knows that Billa has night terrors too sometimes. He never talks to her when she wakes up next to him, frowning and panting, only holds her and whisper sweet nothings in her ears until she is sleeping again, or at least pretending to be.

Billa is adjusting well to living in Erebor, and Fíli take it as a good sign when she starts to complain about the lack of vegetables in their diet: it comforts him in an odd sort of way to see some of her cheerful fussiness return to her, after all the traumas she has suffered these last few months. He thanks Mahal that she chose to stay with him after what happened: first the miscarriage (which he cannot talk too much about, the wound is still too fresh, but in time, he tells himself, in time he will) and then their treatment of her when they found out that she had given the Arkenstone away to their enemies. Fíli had been ready to cut his beard and hair in shame when he woke after the battle, and only Billa taking away the pair of scissors he had ordered be brought to him and whacking him over the head with it, while murmuring something about foolish, overly dramatic dwarves had stopped him.

She has always been practical, Billa, and sweet and kind, and so much stronger than he can ever hope to be. He cannot fathom why some of the dwarves of Erebor call her weak and unworthy: why can they not see the core of steel that hides under her soft skin and blonde curls? While Fíli has lost much of his former bravado after Laketown and all that happened later, she has become surer of herself. He knows that is partly for his sake that she says strong and does not break, and he knows that he ought to be stronger for her sake, that it is not fair that he allows himself to be so damnably weak while she shows no sign of it. However, for once in his life, Fíli feels that someone is allowing him to be weak. There is already so much pressure on him, from his uncle and from his new advisors, everyone expects him to be strong and stoic when what he wants most is to sit down and cry, and fall apart.

If Fíli ever doubted Billa’s love, he does not anymore: to him, the most important proof of it is not that she chose to stay when she had every right to leave, but that she allows and accepts his weakness. That she stands behind him as a solid rock, that she is strong when he cannot be, strong enough for both of them.

                                                                                                               *

Fíli is slightly worried when he does not find Billa in their rooms. He goes to the library and asks Ori if he has seen her but he shakes his head and tells her that she has not been there all day. That truly unsettles Fíli: Billa had chosen early on to help Ori restore the grand libraries and it had taken Fíli a lot of convincing to stop her from working well into the night on cataloguing the vast amounts of books, maps and scrolls. He goes down to the kitchens to ask Bombur if he has seen her, but the cook just shakes his head before going back to working on tonight’s supper. Mission unaccomplished, Fíli returns to their room, considering whether he should ask Kíli to help him search for her. He finds Billa there, resting in a chair, staring oddly at him when he enters. She looks nervous, unsure but at the same time there is a light in her eyes that Fíli has not seen since they stayed at Beorn’s house. He walks towards her, and leans down to press a kiss onto her hair but she rises from the chair quite suddenly and begin to pace the room.

“Where have you been all day?” she demands, more brusquely than she perhaps intended to.  
  
“Out looking for you,” He answers, a bit unsurely “I went to the library to search for you, but Ori said that you had not been there all day.”

She looks at Fíli in a way that deeply unsettles him; she looks so confused, and Fíli wants to hold her, to ask her what is wrong but keeps his distance for the time being.

“And neither will I be there tomorrow, or any other day for that matter. At least not for a while.”

Fíli frowns at this: he had hardly been able to keep her out of the library for the past months and now she suddenly says that she would not be going anymore. Had she fallen out with Ori? He had not paid particular attention to the scribes face when he had asked him where he might find her.

“Why?” he inquiries.

“Can you truly not guess?” she asks in return. Fíli only frowns harder, and Billa stops her pacing, goes to stand before him, her face suddenly softer, and takes one his hand in both of hers.

“I went to see Oin today,” she says, hesitantly, sounding almost embarrassed but also so happy, and Fíli can barely breathe.

“And?” he asks, still not breathing. He feels lightheaded and his heart is beating fast, and it cannot be true, and yet he can see it in her face, even before she speaks.

“He said… he said that there is a child.”

Fíli lands on his knees before Billa has even finished the sentence. His hands are ghosting over her stomach, and he lets out a choked sound, a mixture between a sob and a laugh. Billa is laughing above him, and when he looks up at her, there are tears running down her face, into her smile. We has never seen her look so happy before, and Fíli thinks that his own heart might burst with happiness. He lets his hands roam over her sides, and he rests his forehead against her belly, breathing heavily into the coarse fabric of her dress. Fíli can barely believe that it is true; that what he had thought would never happen is actually happening. He had not allowed himself to wonder if there would ever be any children, had told himself that it was foolish to even consider it so soon. That having Billa was all he could ask for, and that even mentioning children to her would hurt her deeply.

_(He had been scared, so scared. He knew that Billa would not survive it if she lost another child, knew that it would leave him insane too, should the worst happen. They simply could not risk it, they simply could not risk to dream.)_

He feels Billa’s hands running through his hair, and for a moment, neither says a thing. Then he leans in and presses the lightest of kisses to her stomach.

 “Be strong, little one, strong like your mother.” He whispers, breath ghosting over Billa’s navel.

“Strong like your father.” He hear Billa murmur above him, and he rises and embrace her as gently and yet as deeply as he can.

There is a child, and a mother and Fíli will do everything he can to keep them both safe.

**Author's Note:**

> I simply couldn't resist doing an alternative ending. It's a bit angsty, I know. 
> 
> Enjoy!


End file.
